Are you speaking my language – of love?

I’ve been in Tampa for the weekend visiting my beautiful daughter and seeing her new place. She recently got a job here and this is her very first apartment – living on her own. It’s so comforting and fulfilling as a parent to see my children grow into amazing, caring, responsible adults.

Beautiful.

During my visit, we were able to talk about my impending divorce – which should be finalized within the next 30 days – together, we spent time in reflection, trying to make sense of what happened and why my marriages have not worked. Yes, this is super personal, but I don’t mind sharing because maybe my experience and thoughts will help someone else out there who is having difficulty in their marriage or intimate relationship. I hope so.

When I divorced the first time, the lines were clear – boundaries had been broken and the reasons for the break up were identifiable and tangible. This is not the case for my second marriage, which has made this all the more painful.

After several months of my sincere attempt to analyze and understand my part in the breakdown of our relationship, I believe I am beginning to understand. My insights became even clearer this week after reading a book recommended to me by a friend entitled, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Go to amazon right now and buy it - Seriously, the message in it is that important.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this all weekend, my daughter and I talked a lot about it, she’s now convinced that she needs the book too. I was going to give her my copy but I’ve decided that I need to hold on to it for a while…a long while.

Like most relationships in distress, the final few months (even years) that my husband and I were together were wrought with tension, strife and harsh words. When the end came, last July, both of us had simply had enough and we fled in opposite directions. In 7 months, we have not spoken one word to each other. Our communication has been limited to emails and text messages. After 11 years of marriage, our relationship has deteriorated to a point where neither one of us wants to speak.

Now it’s too late.

How did this happen to two ‘good’ people who just wanted to be happy?

Gary Chapman would say that we never understood the love language of our partner. In reading the book, I’m convinced that this was true in my marriage. In fact, I journaled something about 2 years ago, that speaks to this, I wrote, It’s as if both of us want this to work but we don’t have the right tools. 

Chapman understands this because he’s seen thousands of couples over 30 years in his counseling practice that have experienced the very same problems as my husband and I did. All because we didn’t understand the love language of our partner.

This makes me so sad.

I’m going to close for now because I need to get on the road – I’ve certainly given you, and myself, food for thought…and I have decided that I am going to learn how to apply this new-found knowledge into my current and future relationships. The underlying message can be applied to all of our relationships including our children. In terms of my intimate relationships, I am simply not willing to fail at this again – that would make me a fool, for only a fool refuses to learn from her mistakes.

Thank God my God is a God of second, third, and of infinite chances. It’s never too late.